log

its 1:52 pm monday may 12 2025 im coming off of a rough few day i have been feeling suffocated like i dont belong because i dont belong im so tired of being so tired not a physical tired but an existential tired like i dont belong because i dont belong but where do i belong i dont know where that is or what it is but today is today and while i am still tired i am not so tired today and still i walk and still i build and so it goes

its 3:08 pm tue may 6 2025 i have been sick for the last couple days its made my brain foggy and my stomach churn if there was a time to be sick now is the time though things are only picking up from here and i wont have a break for the next month and a half after this weekend its never fun to be sick but much less fun to be sick at the wrong time so it goes

its 7:56 pm saturday may 3 2025 it rained today for the first time in a week maybe the 5th time this spring its been a drought and its already too warm outside i am scared of what summer will be like atleast there is a river near by and i am not stuck in the middle of this place the mountains arent too far so there is hope for me if it is all too damn hot baby steps still happen atleast we arent crawling atleast it doesnt feel like that maybe in retrospect we are still crawling but for now it feels like baby steps so it goes

its 10:24 am friday may 2 2025 yesterday was a good day spent away from my keyboard its important to disconnect get your hands in the dirt get back to the roots we take small but tangible steps forward i have never been one to lay in bed rolling around both physically and mentally but lately i guess this is stress that i am feeling i feel like i am driving a car that isnt finished maybe we are in the lap before the race starts and the car is still missing some important pieces that it needs and they are furiously being put in place but some things take time and all i can do is hope that they are finished before the race starts because if not it all falls apart so it goes

its 14:32 wednesday april 30 2025 the blue is sky the flowers are blooming i am stuck in bug hell though not like the nice bugs not the spiders not the bees but the repeated repeat, of putting out one fire, only to start another one i am by no means a talented developer so i spend a lot of my time stuck in bug hell trying to identify the problem finially solving it but yet, there lies another bug on the rock i just flipped and so it goes

its 14:46 tuesday april 29 2025 talked with some friends havent talked to in a long time it was like i talked to them last week or last month the interesting thing about life is when you meet someone you plant a seed in the ground now this seed, will grow into a plant if nurtured and this plant will thrive if nutured how is the plant nurtured? both collectively and individually together we nurture it, in the time spent together the conversations had individually we nurture it by nurturing ourselves while we may be seperated by time and distance we are only an arms length a way because we have been nuturing ourselves and the plant is healthy and we spoke like its only been a week not 5 years so it goes

its 10:12 am monday april 28, 2025. the sky is blue the spring is sprungin the birds are chirping the flowers are flowering for some reason today i am tired though maybe it was a long weekend maybe it is the weight of pushing forward and hoping and reaching and dreaming of things that seem to be just out of my reach still i walk still i push forward and maybe it will all be for nothing and the opportunity will be lost but so it goes

its 19:54 friday april 25, 2025 https://archive.org/details/playerpiano0000vonn so it goes

its 19:48 friday april 25, 2025 its the funny thing of being asked to automate your own job away being capable enough to build the tool the tool that will replace you and your coworkers the first vonnegut book I ever read was player piano and while my memory is blurry on the specific lines the soul of the story sticks in my soul god damn that man vonnegut was right about so much i think of the player piano tinkling away in the corner of the bar i think about the cruelty of humanity no longer being economically viable so tomorrow i work and maybe the day after but not so many days are left until all that is left is the player piano so it goes

its 10:02 am friday april 25, 2025 the skys are grey the rain is lightly pattering against the windows in the background a machine runs man slowly, or rather quickly, conquering his surroundings old being torn out replaced by new i am thankful for this old farmhouse i live in around us, we are the only one left surrounded by new apartment buildings devoid of soul devoid of story cheap paintings on the walls in attempt to bring culture to the space we were lucky to get this space fortunate that the people lined up before us that when they viewed it they couldnt handle that the bathroom wasnt modern and that the kitchen was pieced together this space allows me to breath the exposed wood, hundreds of years old i am not the first person to sit here and i wont be the last so it continues

its 23:32 on thursady april 24, 2025 the sky is black the lights flicker on and off outside maybe they are motion activated, and when a cat walks by the turn on there are lots of cats around here and not a lot of mice i am slowly starting to build a world hiding little pieces of myself an invitation to look deeper and i invite you to look deeper that is the point isnt it i dont really know what i am doing though like generally i think i am scared and just keep placing one foot infront of the next trying not to think too much but also being cursed with thinking too much as long as i think in the right direction so it will continue

its 22:02 on thursday april 24, 2025 the sky is black the world is still turning thoughts run through my head of what the answer could be things seem more disjointed day by day but yet something needs to happen things are happening things have been wrong for much longer than most people have been willing to admit it has lead us to the place we are now and people seem to be surprised when they look around like how did i get here how did we get here nothing makes sense but everything makes sense somedays i feel like i am on top of the world otherdays i feel like an imposter, like i cant keep up too much social media, too much comparing myself against what others are accomplishing too much losing track of my thread of falling ooff my path but yet here we are and this is my attempt to create for me to reach the people like me to be honest enough to start to close the gaps that i see to make the world closer again and create space for people to breath and so it continues

its 11:56 am, on thursday april 24, 2025. the sky is grey the world is turning and so it begins